Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey is one of my favorite kind of animal vomit to eat.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, when you're arguing with your spouse, just remind them "one of us is right, and the other one is YOU".

   Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

   Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

   We used to experiment with launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. Progress.

   Cancer isn't cancer.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking the intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.

   I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   If you don't remember the last woman you made love to, you must be Gay or Married

   The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

   An old woman at the gym told me I looked like her late husband..... I'm hoping She meant while he was alive.

   Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.

   One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

   I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

   William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

   Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.

   My parents encouraged me to become a foreign exchange student until they learned I would eventually come back.