Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone just told me to act my age.. I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   Before there was Facebook and Twitter there was "As World Turns" and "The Days of Our Lives" for cusip.

   Kids, don't knock on my door saying 'trick or treat'. You better say 'chicken or beef' bcuz I'm handing out noodles.

   In order to reconnect with my conspiracy theory family, ,, I've joined 20 "flat-earth" groups on Facebook

   internet dating... ~ welcome to the future ~

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   So broke this year that i'm having a Thanksgiving Chicken instead...

   Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed

   Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!

   Shoutout to all my friends who never liked comment or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you could do me a little favor and like this one status so I know you're still alive out and actually give a damn what I post that would be awesome.

   If you love Christmas so much, why don't you marry it, Eve? What I'm trying to say is: Merry Christmas Eve.

   Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."