Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account.

   A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction...

   FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.

   My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

   What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...