Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.

   Valentine's Day was started accidentally when an irresponsible man gave a bow and arrow to a cherub-faced Baby and he shot the man's lover in the heart ... true story.

   If I dumped a can of green beans on the ground, I'm pretty sure my kid would eat every one of them...

   Just been reading a letter from my Chinese penpal in Wuhan and apparently they hav

   HOT = Hoez Out Today

   Feck as others would feck onto you...

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date

   I can't use the word euouae without experiencing cramping, abdominal pain, bloating &

   looks like God was look look lookin at his Gucci and decided it was about that time

   I Can not tell a lie with out believing it first My self..Elvis lives..!

   Since it's Hump Day Wednesday, rather than have my usual can of Redbull, I'll try Redbone, "She'll give me brain"

   Texting + Facebook = Textbook.. so I'm studying right?

   You ever let one loose and it was too late? I just farted and didnt see the midget standing next to me.....

   I think "tax cheat" is too harsh of a term....I like to think of myself as "Tax mathematically challenged"

   Two-words. Not Divorce, instead...Pre-Nuptial, it's an agreement. So is Marriage. And marriages don't last. No Fault.

   the abbreviation curse will haunt me for ever. Yesterday my friend asked me what I was sucking and I just laughed out loud and said "lipop"

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   hey lady, why don't you undress and show us your talent?

   my dog's favorite food is a peanut butter popsicle!

   The day I bother to care who doesn't like me around here as opposed to enjoying those who do... is the day I'll kill myself.