Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars. - george jung

   So I guess once you go black you can't go back...you have to go orange.

   Damn girl, are we in a bad western? 'Cause I wanna have an hour long showdown with you that would only take 5 minutes in real life.

   Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands

   "Can I get a coke please?" "Nope is pepsi ok" "Do you do updog?" "What's updog?" " Not much...and no pepsi is not ok".

   Enjoy poverty, Daniel Pantaleo. Hahahahaha, I don't feel bad for you one bit!

   To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom. I was 12. I wasn't running a country.

   Don't throw away your fidget spinners. Fidget spinners won't kill you. The only thing fidget spinners kill is time.

   New breakfast cereal called Prosatooties. They don't snap crackle or pop. They just in the bowl and smile at you.

   People always talked about how fast technology advances. Has anyone ever thought, with this election coming up and all that is going on. We should be advanced enough to flea the planet?

   My 2 boys are so energetic so I asked them when is the best time to setup the trampoline. One of them replied"Spring-time".

   Below is a great example of Limey humor and why it's relegated to only PBS stations here in the states.

   Excuse me dear, but don't you have a date with a coma?

   We men love two women; the one is the creation of our imagination and the other is not yet born.

   Who need's a spouse when you have the Facebook?

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   So Mimi is hanging from shower curtains trying to out do Kim Kardashian?

   Meanwhile in a Galaxy Far, Far Away... I meant a Soundstage in London, Harrison Ford's Ankle is broken by the hydraulics that control a door in the making of the next Star Wars movie.

   •••note to self•••- Remember to take half pack of M&Ms out of pocket before washing and drying said pants.

   How much for the license to kill? Ma'am, thats a marriage certificate.