Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tithing - Money is the root to all evil ... enough said.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

   we know your from Michigan If you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 24 old ladies.

   If you're feeling down becausecoffee your dating life, just remember, Matt Gaetz didn't have a high-school date until he was 38-years old.

   Did the Colonel really call President Obama his son?? Why am I not surprised.........

   in a relationship with Kate Gosselin.

   your "sofa king we todd did"

   It’s Donald Duck’s birthday. Today Donald is 84... Donald wears a sailor hat and a sailor shirt and nothing else. When I go out like that, I get arrested.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grand kids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grand kids.

   picking a bone with you

   Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

   Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

   Neighbor kid just told me he let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   I may be ugly but I'm vaccinated!

   the world that tramp lives in any wheres near the land of OZ?

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip

   Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.

   Spice up the holidays with random quotation marks: "Merry" Christmas to your family / Merry Christmas to "your" family / Merry Christmas to your "family"