Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   "Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" "Uh, the backstroke, Sir."

   Ever fart so hard it makes your teeth chatter?......well this time her p ussy farted it made my teeth chatter too

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.

   what a shock, old whiite guys complaining about the SB half time show

   Now Russia is accusing Russia of meddling in Russia's internal affairs, and is demanding Russia register as a foreign agent by Monday.

   You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny.

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

   why does my Pirates of the Caribbean CD have a Piracy warning. I think it goes without saying right?

   there's no I in TEAM but there's a ME in TEAM!!!

   My mechanic couldnt fix my breaks so he put in a louder horn.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail

   it was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​

   No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

   So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

   I can't tell the difference between Melania Trump and Kaitlyn Jenner.

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   got bitten by a mosquito and I liked it