Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm bored I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   Look. Those Christmas Walmart roll back prices are only for believers in the baby Jesus!

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   If you got haters . They means you are doing something right . World series

   Woman walks in Dentist office with a pet: Do you work on dogs? Dentist: No why? Woman: My Yorky has a severe underbite. Dentist: Mam, that's a Shih Tzu.

   So you wanna celebrate tyhe Fourth of July? Start a Revolution!

   My friend likes country music so I wrote him a song for his birthday called I Went Down On My Sister And It Tastes Like Daddy Ate Pineapple.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   I assume nowadays the Christmas family portrait theme involves four people staring into their electronic devices next to the Christmas tree...

   2 for the price of 1 "Your the only one for me" Valentine day cards just seems wrong, all wrong.

   So many people leave their bodies to science, I wanna leave my body to accounting

   Summer is not officially over, so settle down you pumpkin spice perverts!

   On this St. Patrick's Day please remember this: Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more

   i like to follow random people, star their tweets and throw in a trophy then quickly unfollow them. makes me a twitter ninja

   I'm watching Lionel Ritchie, and Big and Rich are doing Brick House. I am not convinced country singers need to stick to country, and leave the R&B to people with rhythm!

   wish I had spidey powers...i would shoot a web from my ana! glan and build a house

   remember guys...try to keep her as a love bird...dont do anything to make her an angry bird

   This morning I put my phone into airplane mode, and as soon as I did, Kareem Abjul Jabbar knocked on my door dressed in a pilot's uniform.

   Did Chris Brown really beat rihanna, or did rihanna get to close when Chris was dancing? I dunno I wasn't there.

   Do not forget kids "crack is cheap , crack is whack". Rip Whitney.