Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always awkward to wake up at 5 am and t-pain is sitting on the edge of your bed..

   Watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Perverted Mind" Ooops, I guess that is Spotless Mind.... Wonder where I got that Perverted from?????

   Do you think the other planets are mean and make Jupiter cry by calling him fat?

   that girl will take a wiener to the grill like a hot dog stand

   stayed up that late to watch douche bags get 123 at daytona... Terrible!

   If it wasn't for twitter I wouldn't have any friends at all. Oh right, that's Facebook. Well, who are you guys?

   I like to see one of my own occassional jokes ending up on the 1st page :)

   What is it with all Highways across America where once grown men get on there.. they are immediately obsessed with sticking their finger up their nose to their 2nd Knuckle ?

   F a New Years Resolution, I want another year to goof off.

   its how funny how you can tell some people cant spell. "they speak into the phone"

   there really a benefit to listening to a Hip Hop CD in shuffle mode?

   I hate it when friends talk to people you have been with or had things with... It's like bros before hoes has no meaning at all these days.

   went to the track today..I never knew only mexicans can sweep up losing tickets...hmmmmm

   wearing a bicycle helmet when driving tends to cause gaper delays.

   today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)

   Really questioning if I was arrested by a real cop, I had to rub my fingers on a newspaper and push em into a glob of silly putty.

   Why do I always want “that kind” of s*x when I know that it hurts you and that you hate it? Seems like you just answered your own question.

   Waiting for Adele to write the next chapter in my life ! Hurry Up times a wasting !

   Aside from Christmas, Easter is the best day to have Alzheimer's! You can hide your own eggs!

   Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC