Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   Happy singles awareness day everyone!

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   I saved 15 per cent on my insurance by switching to haiku.

   Go ahead and hide out there now Waldo. Jerk.

   I cant stand online scammers! And if you and all your friends would like to learn how to avoid them send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how!

   Not sure what the guy below is saying. I'm a property manager with a company that has hundreds of rentals. Only 4 are late.

   Does anyone fancy breaking the curfew and coming out for a few drinks on Boxing Day?

   I don’t know about you guys but I have been receiving at least 10 “potential spam” calls a day. I am not answering unless they bring me pre paid Visa cards.

   Sitting here wondering. Did anyone ever figure out where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   Ya OK .... The extent of my being a real tough assed dude .... Is kinda limited to humming "Bad to the Bone!" ..... While eating my smoked baby back ribs. Like I say .... I'm a real Tough Ass!!!