Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all

   Man with Corona Virus seeks women with Lyme disease

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   Its friday night! Querentine facebook party going done on my wall tonight and your all invited!

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   The cemical formula for holly water: H2 OMG

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.

   finally, the Friday of my discontent

   You know you're addicted to gambling when you spend your hard earned money on virtual chips in Zynga.

   I think this whole verify your account thing is a bunch of garbage. So I'm not going to follow the crowd and "verify" mine...so if you lose me as a friend I guess they were serious lol

   I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

   wants to thank Starbucks CEOs for now offering severely addicted customers, like myself, a bathtub-sized cup. Awesome!

   She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.

   It's so hot my ac is on energy saver but it hasn't gone off yet to save me energy. Smh. Money blowing out the window.

   Both Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson on The View. I suddenly have the urge to visit a Bachrach and Spencer's Gifts.

   yes I am embarrassed of certain things I did in my past.....you reminding me wont really hurt me any more then it already did, pain is gone only scars left and those dont hurt just reminder , I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME

   just broke my damn thumb again!! Really need to take it out my a*se before I sit in future..

   For world economy to stablelise matchsticks should come both sides.