Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at a constuction site last week where all the contactors were Lesbians. There were no studs and everything was tongue and

   No offence but, Jesus was an underpaid carpenter before he decided to become a full-time messiah.

   You used to be able to somewhat cross the line. Nowadays, you can't come anywhere near the line. You used to be able to somewhat push the envelope. Nowadays you'd better pull back the envelope.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   Im going to get a tattoo of my face on my back just so I could see who stabs me in the back..

   so broke that if I had to pay a nickel to take a $h1t, I'd have to throw up.

   should be a store without greasy, mcdonalds eating, welfare collecting ppl...We can call it "Smallmart"

   I've always disliked the IRS, but now I wonder if I've had them all wrong. They sent me a letter stating that they were going to start garnishing my wages at the beginning of the year. That is so thoughtful. Wonder what they'll use....paprika, parsley, ch

   hinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday ..

   you make me look like I need another drink

   REMEMBER IN FAT AND SLIM: F - STANDS FOR FOOD AND S - FOR STARVATION

   How good was last night? Last night was so good, I actually tried to order a vodka tonic at Jimmy John's Subs...If only you would've seen the cashier's face

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup.

   Prvo me upoznaj pa mi onda sudi, a ne po tome što pričaju ljudi ! :)

   “Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

   the real farther of Michael Jacksons children.

   I planned to graduate Camping School but I failed Tent Grade.

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.