Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   CNN is reporting that the man who attacked and ate the others mans face was cause by cannibals and not bath salts. That's like saying being a vegan will give you diabetes

   Water follows the path of least resistance. So I guess when an Asian sweats it just looks like a waterfall

   Re: Back to the Future. Who is this Scott, and why is he "great?"

   Shout out to all the fat people that are hungry for success.

   never on schedule because I don't live my life by the times others sets.

   this morning Bieber was on the Today show doing a concert in the rain...does that kid ever wear his rain coat?...sure would have prevented that pregnancy

   If Black Friday involved gunplay, I would have been up hours ago. And turned one on myself.

   Here's a lil tip guys...don't ask your wife or GF "what kind of cake are you making me for bosses day?" Happy Bosses Day

   My Friend blames my Immaturity for getting him arrested! I'm not Immature! Hehe, Don't Drop the Soap!

   The secret to life for me plain and simple...is to not die.

   THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging.

   Take control and put her in the no fly zone before she puts you in the friend zone.

   going to upload a cat picture, but I don't like them!

   went to a storage war, kept sayin yuuuuuup, hope they take monopoly money

   so adjective, she verbs nouns

   so 21st rescued miner says to mistress "I'm taking you to bed for a few days" - come to think of it he is experienced being in deep dark holes for long periods of time.

   This just in......Deanna Farve, wife of Brett Farve, has issued a statement saying that the cell phone pics weren't meant for Jenn Sterger but they were meant to be sent to her. She was quoted as saying, "They were supposed to be sent to me but you know B

   trying to think of someplace to fly to...that pat down thing might not be so bad! I mean...I AM past 50 so pats and excitement like that come far and few between

   I love you! And that's ok that you don't, because sometimes the beauty is in the attempt