Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   If the cops lied about me on 17 different accounts during their investigation, I would be found guilty too.

   Happy Valintimes, as I love you more then I can express on a website sent by means of a plastic artificial intelligence device <3

   The pubs in Ireland are closed until Aug 10. Pubs in Ireland. So by all means lets open Cracker Barrel right now.

   Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

   Latin is like zombies. They're both technically dead but still influencing society.

   Sluts are like Gary; they only like you for the cookie in your pants.

   "See I don't understand me...My plan is to win your heart before I win the GRAMMY". :D

   a lot of the ladies at the office have choose to dress Slutty for International Women's Day...that's what I believed anyway.

   I betshe gives great helmet.

   Glad to see Walmart is holding it's March Madness sale...too bad it's on teeth & everyone is down to their final four.

   if I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was right, I could get it changed into pennies & swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Fuzzy navel is supposed to describe a drink, not your dates belly

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   I feel so threaten by the news anchors....Now that they all starting to where Hoodies to report the news.

   Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.