Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every year at this time I question who decided this Halloween candy is the "Fun" size. These people must really live a boring existence.

   Chat line commercials ,,those hot babes getting all sexed up to talk on the phone...yeah right ,guys give your head a shake.!!!!

   2016 claimed another one...RIP Rhonda Rousey.

   Difference between Canadians and Americans Canadians say . How you doing eh ? Americans say . Hey how you doing .

   It's not likely that any of you have ever heard of the Fugawi Indian Tribe. It was a lost tribe that spent their days wandering the plains, endlessly chanting, "Where the Fugawi?"

   Fellas.. got itchy balls? Use Vicks vapor rub... your welcome

   Ivanka Trump, the latest to join the cast of the confusing reboot to The West Wing.

   Nurse: strip down to your underpants Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

   Raffling off my $600 stimulus check $20 a spot 50 spots available direct message me if you’re interested

   I lost my watch at a party once.An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.Infuriated, I immediately went over,punched him in the face and broke his nose.No one does that to a woman,not on my watch

   Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt Ass skin for a friend.

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second...