Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book

   Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.

   I hate when I remember I'm not American and have to work tomorrow.

   in the studio with Chris Brown making new 'beats' for his album.

   Street Racing is like Special Olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard.

   Please read! URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings>Enable Webcam> Record Movie> Send to me ;) lol

   I wish black folks would stop looking to the academy awards and other white based award shows for validation--i dont even watch that bullsh**. I'll take the NAACP Image Awards and other prestigious black awards that validate black talent anyday over the o

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   Teachers: Want to motivate your students? When you give them back a failed test, staple a Burger King application to it.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I’m overdrawn, I’m gonna tell them “We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it”.

   I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   You're damn straight I'm jealous! I'm buying a cage and putting you in it. No more seeing other cats.

   Ask Goggle to 'do a barrel roll'. Hang on to your hat!

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   Thinks this might be a terrorist plot to infultrate and put fear in the NBA?