Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   The only difference between McDonald's and my work is McDonald's has only got one clown running the show

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.