Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   Don't forget to set your country back 50 years today!!

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   I ran over a big fat guy in a red outfit last night.

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'