Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't be bothered going to his Apathy Support Group today...

   I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and kick my own butt!

   now that you spent all your money on Black Friday Now what?

   I heard your story and wanted to remind you that a sea bearing vessel loaded with male cattle is called a . . . BULLSHIP!

   histogram - n. 1. A greeting card from ones gynocologist. 2. A cracker for a teacher of history.

   they should make a whiskey called May... jus for today

   closed captions are like reading a book, except this book rocks!

   Can I see my dream in 3D shades?

   Paedophobiais: a fear of children.....I knew there was a name for my condition! :)

   thinks the vikings this season is gonna be like watching a car wreck, where you know its gonna be ugly, but you gotta watch anyways...only with really old collector cars...

   QUICK!! To the Bandwagon!! (to Vikings fans, this blew up my profile with responses today!))

   has no one to play with, all of her imaginary friends are on timeout or grounded

   heavy in the game like fatman scoop, plus I got a flow tighter than a batman suit

   Holy $hit look at Steve Stricker go! If I'm ever golfing and I say I'm at -26, thats not my score, it's how many balls Iost!

   Everything is better in slow motion!!

   If I poked as much in college as I do on fb, it would have taken me 8 yrs to get an Associates Degree!

   turns out "im fine" is girl speak for "im not fine"

   singing a duet with the fat lady singing "myspace"

   Archaeologists have discoved the site of Britain's oldest house. It is also believed to be the house in which the Stones first got togather.

   My first day of fantasy camp turned out to be my last when I found out the "Jugs Machine" wasn't what I envisioned at all.