Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!

   Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;

   Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!