Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Halloween. You don't need a costume, your face is scary enough as is.

   accidentally touched a woman's backside so she gave me a look and said "Prick", so I poked her!

   Young souls, when Adults say "Stay away from drugs", what they mean is stay away from Their drugs.

   confusion spawns from not being honest with yourself and true to your own feelings. Now get your head out of your ass!

   Getting a lot of nice things said to me lately. I don't believe a word of it.

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   I am tying the legs together keeps the inside moist...

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   the moment when you realize that you've been singing the wrong words to a song usually happens when everyone is singing aloud in a car. kills the song and the moment.

   It's taken me this long to realize "Eurozone Crisis" wasn't referring to a woman's underarm area.

   When you're in the car alone everyone outside is a serial killer.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   Women never shut up...Especially during sex.

   I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   Girl in nothing but a t shirt-hot! Dude in nothing but a t shirt-perv...

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."