Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When going out for sea food, I always order shark steak. Not because I like it.. but to show THEM who is really on top of the food chain.

   Neat thing about being Tom Cruise is if he misses a workout he can just crawl inside a friend's mouth and use his uvula as a punching bag.

   Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   If woman ruled the world there would be no wars.....just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

   The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   The only sign on the door of the recruiting office in Chattanooga was the Gun Free Zone One.

   the creepiest thing is meeting someone new and adding them on facebook, only to find they are already on youre facebook.

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs, and her booty is why God invented my balls.

   If your dealer runs out of Charlie Cheen, don't let him try to sell you Emilio Estevez.

   It's not that big women aren't attractive, I just don't think my pick up line could hold the weight.

   Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

   Why should Obama treat Nutandyahoo any differently than the way he treats Obama? My main complaint is the fact that Nutandyahoo bypassed Obama, the sitting president, to address congress last year. Who the hell does he think he is? Payback s a bi*ch ain't

   he told me he likes it rough so I crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   its been a few years that MTV got rid of "Jersey Shore." I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

   According to Time mag...we may be interpretng the Mayan calendar incorrectly. Damn...you know what this means...at least one more month of an Obama presidency. How depressing!!!