Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I've never liked FIFA either. They take way too much out of my paycheck.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.