Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.

   Just when I'm happy to be alive, The Connors comes on.

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.

   Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.

   A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL