Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man is the only animal that has the True Religion – several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight.

   ■When I was little… I always thought the moon was following my car.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   Life is funny. Well ok, just My life. Ok everyone please stop LOL-ing,ROFL-ing, and LMMAO-ing. Thank you

   The most dangerous animal you never want to come across on the African Safari is an American tourist.

   thinking Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

   NBA cancels first two weeks of the season. I hope Kim and Khloe are gonna be ok........

   Macho Man died today. He is survived by his wife and their one son Koolaid Man.

   Love is like a rubber band. At first we keep on pulling and pulling. Then when someone let go, it hurts the person who holds on.

   FACT: When a woman feels like her emotions are being played with.............She becomes the FBI...

   Girl:i"d French kiss you. Guy: I'd Australian kiss you Girl: What's that? Guy: A french kiss only down under ;)

   If Paris Hilton was a super hero she would be called Wonder why your famous woman!

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   Happy Star Wars Day!!! Don't let me catch you making out with your sibling.

   Some people think their religion and political views are “correct” and everyone else to them must be wrong. Some people seem to think their view of what work and life should be (or can be) is the right one…and everyone else is a dumb-dumb.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   Thinking.... If they want to make this Kony guy famous, why don't they put him on Uganda's got talent?