Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   The worst thing you can say to a man is "Are you in yet.."

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   Apparently 2010 is not the year for Miners.....

   at home on White Wednesday.....just sayin

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   If your man enough to hit it, your mand enough to take care of it.

   Pick it, pack it, fire it up come along, and take a hit from the bong