Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wake up with zits all over your face... you may be suffering from sleep acnea.

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol

   Made it through Irene's rain band. They could use a new lead singer and a drummer.

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   .... Looks like the United States is finally going to get it's chance to become a Marxist Socialist State thanx to the Liberals that run the country. I for one would like to welcome our new task masters ... Guess freedom really wasn't free ...

   "Make America Native Again!"

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   SNL is going to be 2hrs long this week!

   LA LA Land won the popular vote.