Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.