Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you!" I couldn't believe it... you do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return...

   Clinton vs Trump. Whoever wins, We lose.

   Hillary Guitar: Shrill tone, difficult to find input jack, available in Benghazi Blood, Millenial Snowflake White, or Jumpsuit Jail Orange finish.

   Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   Just like NOKIA, iphone 5 feutures are the same as previous versions.

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.