Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

   It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

   Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.

   Congress' 2016 To-Do List: 1) Talk about Benghazi. 2) Write reports on Benghazi. 3) Talk more about Benghazi. 4) Take vacation. 5) Repeat.

   I.S.I.S says if America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   If we all pretend to not see or hear Donald Trump, I bet he'd just go away. After all, his narcissism is based on attention.

   Conflicted about Dems boycotting inauguration. On one hand, Trump hasn't earned their respect. But on the other, they'll miss 3 Doors Down!

   It makes sense Tim Allen would support Trump considering he's a big fan of tools.

   The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as 'Your Highness' and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.

   Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere

   Every girl knows that one "B*tch she don't want anywhere close her man.

   I will never understand why people go out..Get drunk.. And by the end of the night end up putting their faces where people go to the bathroom....It boggles my mind!

   going to start "The Gas is to Damm High Party" who's with me!

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can