Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   Seems like it's going to be “die trying” rather than “get rich” kind of life.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   I cant stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. "Yeah he's 29 months old", B$tch don't make me do math.

   All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.

   Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.