Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

   .... Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then .... They are shocked and offended when they discover that there are actually other views.

   Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.

   Hey chubby shirtless guy with the pierced nipples at the kids' soccer game. Nope.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for new underwear.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig......It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.

   In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.”

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   All this slippery ice and snow is making this texting while driving a real challenge...

   I'm thankful that everyone has finally shut up about this Ebola hysteria to let us all celebrate Thanksgiving.

   I like my women like I like my coffee; Always causing embarassing stains on my pants.

   Woman failed the battle of the sexes when you started to do pole dancing and class it as exercise

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

   Facebook. The lost and found for people. . .

   I just passed the local college andsaw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college in all of my life.

   Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.