Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.

   I bet your car doesn't make as many cool noises as mine!!

   Are we living blind or blindly living??

   wondering how the first prostate exam went..."hold on, you want to stick your finger where?!"

   Why don't guys ever suck at singing? It's either good enough or surprisingly great. Of the girls I know, maybe two are amazing, the rest of us sound like drunken seagulls, and there's always one who can only be described as a serial ear murderer.

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   wishes the movie concession stand would give her enough snacks to last after the trailers are over...

   Micheal C Hall just got done filming his 6 season of Dexter in Pakistan.coincidence?

   Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices..

   they search for years and spend millions of dollars looking for Osama, and where was he? At home hiding behind his wife!

   This just in... OJ Found not quilty... Oh wait...

   what number do I text my ten votes to??

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.