Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A 
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
*me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme
Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !
Dr. Fauci said we must limit stores to 10 looters at a time.
I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.
Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!
what number do I text my ten votes to??
I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.
Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie
I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.
Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff. 