Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.

   The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn't get an answer to the question you didn't hear her ask from upstairs

   Generic Frosted Flakes are Oooooooookay!

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.