Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?

   I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window

   my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

   Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.

   Jodi you should have went to Casy Anthony's "how to get away with murder" seminar

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.

   At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...

   asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!

   looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.

   I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection

   Normal people are the crazy psychos who hide it very well!

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?