Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There should be an observation deck at Walmart.

   says eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables. :]

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other...She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize

   I must go to work! there are people on welfare depending on me.

   I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."

   Sometimes its funny how the person you wana catch the grenade for is the one throwing it at you.

   Great day with family, great food but right now I am egg-zausted!

   I've had 4 cups of coffee in the past hour and now I look like I have Parkinson's.

   The day I get my license is the day you get hit by a car.

   Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   Black lies Murder ....

   Schiff is like a boil on the ass of democracy.

   My leg fell asleep; so this means I qualify for handicap parking right?

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is spreading herpes or glitter

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.