Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace.

   Kinda sad that future generations wont get the joy of watching scrabbled porn..."Is that a boobie or an elbow??...Hmm I dont know but it's gonna have too do"...

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   I can't say "rural" and its really frustrating

   Harold Camping's response......appears to be nonexistent at the moment. Maybe he's in hiding, totally embarrassed by failure or he is at the bank counting his money.

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   any1 know how to turn your body clock off?? this is just gettin ridiculous at this stage

   "You can add 'Find & kill Osama' to the list of things that happened since Cubs last won World Series."

   Are you ready, boots? Okay, well, let me know when you're ready.

   Why do they report power outages on TV?

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.