Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.