Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.

   I'm ready for summer!

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   Belichick= Spygate. Brady= Deflategate. Kraft= Tailgate

   'Sometimes, being hurt too many times, doesn't make you stronger, it destroy who you were, who you wanted to be and makes who you are today.''