Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   The last time I visited a gym , a white guy was the President..

   Thank the powers that you're not here to smell that one.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   i went and refilled my prescription for my antidepressants... Because Happy Meals just don't seem to work for me!

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmil, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago.

   Reach for the stars and let your feet leave the ground now. Thanks for 40 years of great memories.

   Well, another family reunion ruined when Grandpa started talking about Grandma's dusty muffin again...

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.

   Happiness in not seeing your enemy's face.

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   #SaveSharkWeekFromDiscovery, spread the word.

   And for my next magic trick, I'll walk down a street and turn into a bar.

   I never smile in public. Smiles invite people to talk.

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   When I squeeze a tube of 'whitening toothpaste' and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?