Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it "Pets Mart"? Or is it "Pet Smart"?

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   Headline: "Police watch for sex trafficking ahead of Super Bowl." I guess the Steelers have finally arrived in Dallas.

   a little disappointed that Egyptians don't walk any different from the rest of us!!!

   No matter what butcher you go to, you will always get a raw deal.

   BBC News: "Ice Cream Company Launches Breast Milk Flavoured Ice Cream". I wonder if they will be doing raspberry nipple.

   Relationships are a winter sport..

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   Breaking News: Madonna just adopted Cee Lo

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.

   I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.

   Sasha Gray,Bree Olsen,Lisa Ann,Lela Star,Mone Devine,Jasmine Byrne,Liz Vicious,Jade Marcella,Lavish Styles,Sky Lopez and Little Lupe......If all those names sound familiar to you I have news for you.

   Cab to go to bar: 30 dollars 4 rounds of beer to get your friend to tell you your ex is now a stripper: 70 dollars The look on your ex's face when you shove a single in her buttcrack: PRICELESS!

   Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.