Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

   I was told it was Breast Awareness Month... sounds like a great thing... but was already fully aware of them...

   First England takes over the news with the Royal Wedding, then America with Osama. I predict a talking kangaroo within the next week...

   The 1st testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 & the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It took 100y to realize the brain is also important

   : My neighbours liked my music so much, the called the cops to come and listen.

   Men dont lie; they just tell you what you want to hear.

   I want to wish all the women out there a Happy International Woman's Day!! I plan on celebrating it by giving money to Charity...and Candy...and Mercedes...and the other one usually on stage 4...

   I have to admit... I've learned quite a bit about Egyptians over the past week... For example, I was very surprised to see how Egyptians really walk.

   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

   some days, its not even worth chewing through the restraints.

   My parents had a weird perspective on raising me. The day they brought me home from the hospital when I was born, they put a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   man you should have seen this girl walking past me she said " omg your so hot I want you now" if you don't believe me ask Brad Pitt he was behind me.

   You usually don't care what other people are saying until they start whispering.

   We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.

   It's kinda sad that 98% of the population can only correctly use a semicolon if they're trying to digitally wink at somebody.

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'