Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...

   Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted somebody's fingers to break so badly.

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   I'll baffle them with brilliance, then I'll let you talk.

   doc told me to walk around the block everyday. I'm gonna set a lego in the floor & be back in 5 seconds

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   Wishes I came from a country where blacking out while listening to you, was an honor.

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   Supports Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

   On the road to success, and whoever in my way.............ROADKILL.......

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals