Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If women want equal rights, they can start putting the toilet seat down themselves.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

   I just invented "5-hour Energy Popsicle" and now my nose won't stop bleeding and I'm seeing ghosts.

   I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore ppornographyy.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....

   Rock died in 90s. Very few bands rock these days.

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   it safe to snort coffee grinds? Asking for a friend..

   Led Zeppelin doesn't have to be your favorite band. But if they're not one of your top three, we shouldn't be friends. . .

   Envy = inferiority

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   Being funny is so much hotter than being hot.

   So they dropped the charges against that Florida State QB? I guess they didn't find enough Seminole fluid...

   I think the saddest April Fools' joke is thinking there's only one day we devote to lying to each other.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   Ass kissing has never been my thing and never will be..i'll chew broken glass before I kiss ass.

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make