Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, if her FB is full of pictures but none of her; run, run like the wind…

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   MY Fantasy Football thing is about the Cheerleaders.

   You never see zombies in wheelchairs.

   Disney purchased Lucasfilms, LTD?? I personally can't wait for some of those gems to start coming out. Particularly, Snow White and the Seven Storm Troopers, Swiss Family Skywalker and - my favorite - Song of the Sith...

   Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical

   I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.

   I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!

   Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.

   There's something to be said for HOT coffee and Bailey's on a COLD day such as this ;)

   If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn't be any good music.

   Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on.

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   The decoys on 'To Catch A Predator' must have a hard time getting dates.

   I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.

   Like you've never tried using the Force to reach the remote.

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   I took a lie detector test the other day, I sure hope I can sell it on ebay