Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   McDonalds is opening their first restaurant in Vietnam next year. McDonalds slogan "loving you long time"!!!

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it

   British accent: Justin Biebah. American: Justin Biebur. Australian: Jastin Beybah. You just tried out all of the accents, didnt you?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   if you are texting from your apple device.... just so you know when you hit send it's routed to a sweatshop in China, then retyped and sent out again.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   Posts like "Bad boys ain't no good, good boys ain't no fun. Me and Mr Wrong get along so good, Even though he breaks my heart so bad ♥"....Is exactly why us men only really want sex from women.

   Cheating on a good girl is like throwing away a daimond and picking up a rock.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.

   I can't understand why Burger King is getting so much credit for their Whopper delivery idea when I've been providing the same free service to lonely women since 1983....Such a thankless job! ツ

   The Cheshire Cat grin on Hillary's face during the debate was her surprise reaction to still being able to remain standing up for 90 minutes.

   Privilege is having multiple national organizations promoting and protecting your race, all of which are subsidized by federal tax dollars.

   Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic

   Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

   The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.