Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.

   They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them.

   It's cool that both Twitter and Games of Thrones are all about 140 characters.