Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.

   You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.