Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P to everybody who didn't make it to Christmas this year.

   If you are speaking sign language but one arm is shorter than the other, is that considered an accent?

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" 3 times in front of the mirror, a girl in a North Face jacket, yoga pants and Uggs will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall, using the words "totally" and "like" nonstop

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.

   I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   Why does the Avon lady walk funny. Her lipstick.

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no."

   just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid

   New Florida tourism promo: "Need someone killed? Bring them to Orlando. Our jurors understand your predicament!"

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   Sometimes I feel like only Google understands what I'm trying to say...

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.