Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the Twilight films have taught us anything it's that werewolves are afraid of shirts.

   I really hate this new fb crap. I don't want to see what my friends comment on or like. It takes forever to see anyones status. I didn't sign up for that garbage.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.

   I always bring some wire cutters to parties, just in case someone else brings a guitar.

   New rule: if you're watching tv and have no idea what the f*ck is going on, it's a car commercial.

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   Obama was right about North Korean, no need to go to war to remove Dictator Kim Jong .

   You say you belong to Jesus but half of your profile pics are X-rated.

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

   My number one New Year's Resolution is: Don't die.

   Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Ahhh yes! My favourite day of the year, Friday the 13th,, ,, just sharpened my machete and dusted off my goalie mask,, well, off to the lake, see you later!!

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses.

   Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.