Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   If anyone needs to walk near the left side of my house it's cool because I went ahead and took care of that enormous spider web with my face.

   whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   Michael Jackson didn't die. He simply completed his course of plastic surgery in 2009, turned into a young gay white boy & renamed himself Justin Bieber...

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   Unless you're a steaming hot girl, most people don't really care how your day went. If it doesn't relate to them, then they don't wanna read about it. A friendly Facebook reminder of the STFU Association.

   just broken down and listened to a song by Justin Beiber. I've got the phone on vibrate for the rest of the day since I just stabbed both ears repeatedly with a ball point pen.

   All sluts should come with an easy button on their forehead.

   frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.

   63 notifications later..i regret "liking" your status

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!